What is this "need" for information that compels us to search for answers to questions of our daughter's first year of life? If we are given answers, how "true" is the report? Will we ever know? And when you do find a piece of your daughter's history, can you handle it? Does it break your heart? And create more questions, with no answers?
A few months ago the SWI families group of my daughters orphanage was offered a research project to find out about our children, ask questions to the SWI, photos of Wuchuan, information about the town, a token from Wuchuan. I debated whether we should sign up or not. For a couple of hundred dollars, we could find out alot of information or nothing at all. Was it worth it to us? The answer was yes. I did not want to regret not doing it, not trying to find a piece of information. No matter how small.
Yesterday we received our package in the mail. My biggest hope was there was a photo of Chun Qiu from when she first entered the SWI. As I tore open the envelope to see what was inside, I quickly found there was not a photo of Chun Qiu as an infant. My disappointment was apparent, I continued to look through the rest of our report. We received professional photos of Wuchuan, a report on Wuchuan, a map of Wuchuan with finding spot circled and rocks from area, a seashell from Jizhao Bay, a piece of bamboo with Chun Qiu carved on one side and Fu on the other side, a blessing from the SWI, a DVD of Wuchuan in the summer (lots of photos), and a CD with photos of Wuchuan, Chun Qiu's finding spot, the town, a post card from three young girls at the Wangcun Gang post office (they would like to help us and would like us to write to them), and some answers to our questions to the SWI.
As I begin to look at the photos and read information given to us, I hold back the tears. Especially when I viewed Chun Qiu's finding spot for the first time. My heart was breaking to imagine our little girl, left in a box, all alone, so tiny, so young, crying into the night. She must have been so frightened, no one to answer her cries, to hold her and tell her everything will be ok. I had my own image of her finding spot, especially since we were given information while in China by Dong who is from Wuchuan, that her finding spot was "a hospital on a beach, her mother was smart, she knew she would be safe and found", and then there are images in the adoption story books that we read to our daughters. Reality is harsh, her finding spot was nothing like I imagined. I am amazed she survived the night and the stars aligned in just the right way for our paths to meet.
Chun Qiu was looking at the photos with me and asked if it was China. She told me when she was a baby and she cried. She talks often of when she was a baby and she cried, her mommy came to pick her up in China. The day mommy and daddy came to China. Does she remember? She was approx 10 days old when found and 13 1/2 months when she became our daughter. Could she remember her birth mother? crying into the night? and her time in the orphanage? More questions without answers.
I will not dwell on no answers, for now I will enjoy every day with my daughter and always remember the unknown woman who gave me the greatest gift.
One day we will return to China with Chun Qiu so she may find answers to her questions. In the mean time, we have some pieces of the puzzle, some photos of Chun Qiu's town.
Wangcun Gang town
Wangcungang Hospital
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